I really debated doing this… blogs are a beautiful thing and somehow writers get emotionally attached to readers and even though we may never meet in person, the love and attachment to our regular readers is still very much there and the appreciation and love for them is just as strong, if not more so, than it would be for those who came and listened to “live” ministry because it requires giving up time and moments of their lives to stop by and check out whats new on the site.
Of course that could just be me.. but I believe many bloggers feel the same way. I have been writing rather sporadically, and it may be that way for a little while longer so please bear with me and don’t jump ship, I’ll be back and really need the prayers now.
I have noticed in the church a new attack with this, I am sure aimed at the “church ladies”, it seems that so many husbands are being hit wide open and I know at my church we have all just had to absolutely band together and have faith for each other, and once even just finally giving into to the sheer lunacy of the fact that two of our husbands had serious “life or death confirming” appointments on the same day, and it is not just the church I attend, I know many women fighting the same attacks on the health of their spouses.
I am not a stranger to fighting giants and I know we are all fought and fought hard, just comes with the territory of being a soldier in the kingdom and just as the storm in Paul’s story had a name and Israel’s larger than life, seemingly undefeatable giant, Goliath had a name… Guess hell didn’t appreciate my teaching series on the world’s “heart condition”….. my latest nemesis has a name, whose prophetic irony is in no way lost on me… “widow-maker”.
And I asked myself, what kind of sick twisted name is that? I know the medical logic behind it but I am sure it was coined by a secret misogynist or a “he-man woman-hater” because why on earth would anyone choose a name of such absolute cruelty?
My husband truly is a God-send, my pre-Christ days of torment trying to fill up that spot in my soul with a constant need for approval from the opposite sex and the twisted need for reaffirmation of my self-worth as being more than kindling had led me on quite a path and I racked up boyfriends and toxic relationships like a stamp collector who had just found an old abandoned post office full of wondrous never post marked finds and self-destructive was an understatement.
So after my very short, very painful nine-month first marriage, I truly never wanted to marry ever, ever again and to be honest, when I met my husband, I did not even want to date anyone because I had just absolutely had more than enough and even though I had not accepted Christ, I knew by this point that nothing in my life up that point was working and dragging someone else into my messed up world was only going to mess them up and I honestly did not want to do that to anyone else.
But life has a way of knowing what we need, when we might think otherwise and he was extremely persistent and I was in love with him before I could even figure out what happened to me.
No joke, I actually cried because I was so upset at how on earth I could possibly have fallen in love with him, when I did not want to fall in love with anyone. But who could help it?
He was gorgeous and was always at the ready to rescue every wounded or stray animal I happened upon and always ready with a solution to any problem and a shoulder whenever I needed to cry and a reassurance that NOT HIM, BUT GOD would always take care of it. He was completely different, and it took five years before I was ready to finally say I do and I always told him that I was the last thing on earth that he needed but when I said I do, I meant and I meant it forever and he has always just been a great person.
I knew of a family that needed Christmas gifts for their children, which ended up with him branching out into an angel tree program and using his job as a catapult for an almost twenty year Christmas ministry that included the elderly, nursing homes, and of course children’s programs for multiple agencies and all of his secret things that I have heard people mention to him in passing, and he has always went above and beyond what anyone would ask.
Of course we have had our moments and our fights, as everyone does, but he has been more that I had ever imagined or deserved in a spouse. He looked at me through the eyes of love with a strong background in Jesus and never gave up on me.. even though I know I was quite difficult especially before I was saved and probably a lot after that.
All of my craziness.. like getting up in the middle of the night when I was nine months pregnant and a skunk had sprayed outside our house and “the horrid smell” was killing the Victorian inside of me, and “could he please do something” it is funny now and a long-standing joke because there really was nothing he could do.. but pregnancy can do strange things to women and he got up.
He stayed right by my side during the birth and took off work for the entire three days and even once came home for me to take my cat for an emergency vet visit. All the things he has shown such sweetness and kindness in, I could never list and I know how blessed I am.
So twenty-three years seems only days and in 2014 it started getting scary, he was working as a vulcanizer, sounds alien I know, but it is kinda like being an emergency repair guy for mining operations and it is set up almost like power company men, if something is down they have to work until it is repaired and this can mean fifteen-twenty hours shifts with the guys taking cat naps while taking turns driving or waiting on the belt repairs to cure.
He had been on a twenty-eight hour shift and was trying to unload the equipment and slipped and injured his knee, so he had surgery and the exact same surgery was needed again four months later and I was scared to death when they had to put him to sleep the second time, it was so close together and he coughed and coughed when he was in recovery, so the next day he was home and became deathly sick, turned pale as a sheet and was just soaked in cold sweat and I called the number they had given us and the doctor on call said to just watch him for fever and site redness but made pretty light of it and finally thank God it passed and he felt better.
Kept having medical problems and last November a major double hernia was found and that made surgery number three.. two repairs for a really weird type of hernia that he had evidently been born with and had just never known it.. until it made itself known.
Ah.. we think it is getting better… blood pressure goes through the roof… several dosage changes on his medication and finally the doctor orders an EKG and the results came back with two prior heart attacks, one that had been major and they found an “abnormality” so off he goes to a specialist… more tests… nothing about any of it is good, I kept having faith but just could not shake that “little feeling” that made me cry every single time I thought about it… crazy numbers and crazy results and the repeated voiced thought from them is that he is “too young” to have what he has going on.. he is forty-eight and these are problems that shouldn’t even be there for thirty or forty more years… and the doctor told him that considering the heart attack he already suffered (which I now believe was after the second surgery) that “he had been given a second chance and that everything that would now have to be done was things that should have been done yesterday” and a really odd southern analogy “that if your barn is on fire, you get on your horse and run”
So we hold on.. heart catheterization day comes and I am so holding on.. I am not going to cry and I am not going to give in to the unthinkable.. (although that really did not get me too far, trying is not always succeeding) My verse… I was and am holding to..“Who against hope BELIEVED in hope” the cath didn’t take long, we were met in recovery with a dry erase board with a heart drawn, LAD four blockages, from left to right.. 100%, 95%, 80%, 70% so the battle has been engaged and the prize to be won is the life of my husband and I know all of hell is rejoicing as the ante has been upped by needless and senseless drama on BOTH sides of our family, hurt and anger, people who love to kick you when your down, making quite a lonesome travel.. but God reminded me of the fact that we are NEVER alone.
One of my favorite written works is:
“Prayer for Peace”
Lord, make me an instrument of thy divine peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning, that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.
Written By: St Francis of Assisi
I know the Biblical truth behind it.. we have to counter every attack, just as using the Word of God which is our sword, and as we counter “fear with faith”,”hurt with surrender”, “evil with good” etc. and I had thought and thought.., what scripture counters widow maker?
Yesterday, I came to what is, I think my only conclusion, “YOKE-BREAKER” Jesus IS the author and finisher of our faith. He has had his hand on my husband and it is by his grace that the first unknown heart attack did not kill him, and being put under for the all the surgeries, not to mention everyday life has not killed him and that He allowed this condition to finally be found and as scripture also says, it is by His grace “we are not consumed” and I can not know tomorrow or how the rest of our journey will fair but I know God created him in the palm of His hand and no matter how much I love him, Jesus loves him even more and in that I trust.
I’ve been around long enough to know that fairy tales do not exist and that life can be very unfair but I am certain of two things, I will BELIEVE in HOPE in the face of hopelessness until there is no hope left to be had and EVEN then widow maker will NOT win because on earth or separated by the realms of heavenly rest and earthly togetherness HE WILL ALWAYS BE MY HUSBAND and there will never be another, and as Solomon put it, “Love IS as strong as death” and LOVE NEVER DIES.
Forever & Always
No copyright infringement intended with the use of the St. Francis prayer, it is on a card that I have had for around fifteen years and credit to him was all I could do.